


go and catch a falling star

by waterlit



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, M/M, Regret, Romance, Star-crossed, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 05:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9165064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterlit/pseuds/waterlit
Summary: When Allen makes the wrong choice, three people get hurt. Now there is only regret in his heart, and the long shadow of what could have been.  [Yullen & one-sided Allen/Lenalee]





	

Allen leans against the doorframe and surveys his happy bride-to-be.

"You look beautiful," he says, noting the glossy sheen of her hair and the roses on her cheeks.

Lenalee nods, still smiling. She twirls for him. "Do you like this dress?"

The dress is a simple one; the sweetheart neckline follows the curve of Lenalee's bust, and the skirt hugs her waist, skims her hips, and then flares gently around her legs. The dress suits her. A pretty dress for a pretty bride.

"You look good in everything," Allen says. He reaches forward to adjust the angle of her lacy veil.

Lenalee glances in the mirror once again, pulling at the criss-crossed ribbons holding the sheer back together. Then she turns to the retail assistant standing by the door. "I think I'll take this dress."

Allen fumbles with his tie. He loves his ties, but this one's itchy and the small room makes him breathless. "That's a good idea."

But it isn't, really. It's not a good idea.

It never has been.

* * *

Lavi examines the table setting samples."This isn't half-bad, for something you did yourself."

"Lenalee made it," Allen says. "I don't have that kind of—"

Lavi reaches over to ruffle Allen's hair. There's a strange sort of smile on his face, and he says, "Yes, Al, we all know how clumsy you are, and how you get lost so easily. No need to brag about it, eh?"

"I'm not—"

Lavi laughs. "I was just kidding!"

"You always do that," Allen says, hitting Lavi on the shoulder.

Lavi turns the wedding favour over. "This is Lenalee's work too?"

Allen shrugs. "Do you think I could have made that?"

"Honestly? No."

"Brutal."

"But true," Lavi says. He shoots Allen a sharp glance.

Allen hates the glance; it lays him bare, it reaches deep into the dark recesses of his soul. He doesn't enjoy it. "Don't do that," he says, and turns his face away.

"You sure seem invested in this wedding," Lavi comments. He replaces the wedding favour and moves to face Allen. "Thinking of him again?"

Allen hesitates. "No," he says, a heartbeat later.

Lavi lets the lie flow by. He cocks his head, shrugs, and says, "He would have hated all this, you know."

"Yeah. He would."

"Do you think he'll come back?"

"Why would he?"

"He might," Lavi says, "when he hears of your impending wedding."

"I don't think so," Allen says, and tacks on a lie for good effect. "Anyway, I'm don't have that sort of feelings for him anymore."

"Lenalee's now the love of your life, huh, Beansprout?" 

Allen squirms inside when he hears the familiar nickname, but he schools his expression into a neutral smile. "Of course."

"Right then." Lavi beams. "Then I'll see you Saturday at the wedding."

"Don't be late," Allen says, when all he really means is _why the bloody hell did you talk about_ him _again?_

* * *

"You ready, buddy?" Lavi asks.

Allen glances over at his best man. "Yeah. I am."

"You look great," Lavi says. "So stop dithering and get to the altar!"

"Do you have the ring?"

"Did you think I'd forget it?" Lavi asks reproachfully. "It's in my pocket, duh."

"Good,' Allen says. They're standing at the back of the room, and he turns to survey the guests.

Their friends have turned out in full force today. Reever, Johnny, Tapp and 65 are there with the sobbing Komui, all holding fine-stemmed glasses. Meanwhile, Bak and Fou are having a fractious argument near the entrance.

Over at the side Bookman talks to Krory, and Miranda smiles shyly as Daisya pokes fun at her and Marie. 

Even Tiedoll is here… Allen winces slightly at the sight of him, and quickly turns back to Lavi.

"I saw that, y'know."

"You saw what?"

"I saw your face. Your expression."

"It was nothing," Allen says. "Are you ready? Do you have the ring?"

"Yeah, I do. You've asked me that before, y'know. Before you ask me a third time, I really do have the ring, right here." Lavi pats his pocket, his green eye narrowed. "Are you sure about this?"

"I'm sure. Very sure."

But Allen's heart beats faster, and he can't help but twist his head to try to catch a glimpse of long dark hair, of a man with broad shoulders and a scowl that never goes away.

He doesn't see _him_.

* * *

"I love you."

 _He_ snorts. "You're an idiot."

"You just don't want to say that you love me!"

"I won't say it. So stop asking."

"Are you going to leave tonight?"

"No. I'll stay here. In case your nightmares come back." _He_ snorts again.

"Thank you," Allen says, and for once in his life, he means it.

* * *

They stand by the altar before the priest. Lenalee's face is flushed and her eyes are starry, and Allen thinks he's never seen anyone more beautiful. Except for _him_. _He_ was beautiful too…

Lavi nudges him gently from the side and whispers, "Wake up, Al."

Allen looks up back to Lenalee's face and puts on his brightest smile. _You idiot_ , he tells himself, _today is your happiest day, and you're marrying the girl of your dreams. Stop thinking back. Stop being ridiculous._ What Allen doesn't tell himself is that she was the person of his dreams, but now another has taken over the spot. 

"And now I will join you in holy matrimony," the priest says loud and clear.

Allen almost expects the doors to slam open, almost expects _him_ to come thundering down the aisle. He can hear the echoes of footsteps, and he waits with bated breath. 

"I do," Lenalee says.

The chapel is quiet all around. Not a soul moves or speaks. Allen blinks—once, twice, _thrice_ —and Lavi nudges Allen again.

Allen sighs. "I do," he finally says, when the doors do not slam open.

"Now I pronounce you man and wife," the priest says, joining Allen and Lenalee's hands.

Allen manages a weak smile. Lenalee's palm is cold in his own.

* * *

Lenalee doesn't know a thing. She doesn't suspect—she never did know.

 _He_ came to Allen in his darkest hour, when Lenalee was strapped to a bed, her mind lost in dark fog and dark dreams. They were good friends before that, and in that abyss Allen found himself again.

He found Kanda; clutched at straws.

"What's wrong?" Kanda had asked, looking down at Allen. "What happened to her?"

"Car accident," Allen said. His left hand was still tightly clenched around hers. "She's in a coma now."

"Damn," Kanda said.

For once, Allen fully agreed with Kanda.

"Why are you alone?" Kanda asked. 

"Lavi came earlier," Allen said, eyes still on Lenalee's prone form. "Komui's settling some administrative matters at the reception."

"Bastard."

Allen looked up, questions in his eyes.

"Not them," Kanda said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I meant the guy who knocked her down."

"Oh."

"What are you going to do?"

"Do?"

"You heard me, Beansprout."

"I'll—what's there to do, Bakanda? I'll come here every single day and wait for Lenalee to wake up. I'm sure she'll wake up. She has to!"

Kanda nodded, and Allen saw something like approval in his dark eyes. "You do that."

After that, Kanda visited the hospital every other day, and soon, he started timing his visits so that they coincided with Allen's.

* * *

It's night, and Lenalee leans over the balcony. "Allen!"

Allen steps out and moves toward his bride. "Yes?"

"Look at the stars, Allen. They're so bright tonight…"

Allen nods. He slides an arm around Lenalee's waist, and wonders if the stars are as bright and as beautiful in whichever place _he_ is at now.

"I love you," Lenalee says, breaking the silence. She lays her head against Allen's arm, and he can feel the silky hair lying against the base of his neck.

Allen remembers another time, when another head of dark hair captivated him.

"I love you too," Allen says, and the not-quite lie tastes sour against his tongue.

* * *

After two months, Allen felt something akin to despair. Lenalee showed no signs of regaining consciousness.

"Damn it, Beansprout," Kanda said, "Why are you behaving like this?"

"I—"

"Lena needs you to be strong," Lavi says.

It was Kanda who gave him the strength to be there for Lenaleey. Without Kanda, he could never have made it through to the dawn.

* * *

_Lenalee deserves better_ , Allen thinks. It's morning, and he smiles at her across the breakfast table. She munches happily on bits of toast and marmalade, now and again dipping her head to drink her coffee.

His breakfast has long since entered his stomach, and now he sips at his tea and thinks back to a morning when he sat in a minimalist kitchen and took green tea with soba for his morning repast.

"A penny for your thoughts," Lenalee says.

"I was thinking about you and how lovely you look," Allen says. "It's a lovely day. Shall we go for a walk at the pier?"

The lies come much easier these days.

* * *

"Whatever you're thinking, stop it," Kanda said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Those thoughts of yours."

"Which thoughts are you referring to, Bakanda?"

"Don't even try to kill yourself, you moron. It's not worth it."

"You're giving me a pep talk!" Allen laughed. "Is that strange or what?"

"I'm serious." And it was true. Kanda's face was an ashen grey, his eyes dark and forbidding.

"You wouldn't know, would you?" Allen let out a stark laugh.

"I saw that entry you made. In your diary."

"You what?" Allen flew up, his fists clenched. "You had no right to pry, Bakanda. Don't you know how to respect another's privacy? Why did you bloody do that?"

Kanda stared calmly at Allen. "Sit down, you idiot."

"No, you—why, you—"

Kanda returned the shove, and somehow, he landed on top of Allen.

That was how it began.

* * *

"What's on your mind?" Lenalee asks. "You've been distracted all day…"

"Nothing," Allen says. He smiles at his wife. "I've just slightly preoccupied with work."

"Oh," she says.

It's six months into their marriage and Lenalee still cannot tell when Allen's lying. So unlike _him_ , Allen thinks. _He_ could spot a lie from a mile away.

But today—today Allen cannot lie. At least, he can't lie to himself.

For today—today is the day _he_ disappeared. Today is the day Allen's heart melted into smoke for ever.

* * *

Kanda pushed Allen against the wall, their lips melding together, their hips grinding sharply.

"You're hurting me," Allen said, when the kiss broke off. "There's something hard in your pocket…"

"Phone," Kanda said, pulling the offending object out and tossing it onto the sofa.

Then their lips clashed again, like two seas fighting to fill an abyss.

That eternal moment came to an end when Allen's phone vibrated on the desk, the lilting melody echoing warily through the dark space. With a sigh, Allen untangled his limbs from Kanda's, and stretched his arm to get the phone.

"Hello?" 

"Allen," the caller said. "I have good news!"

"Komui?" Allen said. He tensed and sat up, moving further from Kanda.

"It's Lenalee."

"What about her?" Allen asked, his heart lost somewhere in his throat.

Kanda inched closer, his naked torso gleaming in the moonlight. Allen stared at Kanda's chest before turning to face the window.

"She—she's awake!" Komui said.

"Bloody hell!"

"What happened?" Kanda asked, his hair flowing down his back and his front.

Allen shook his head at Kanda. "Thanks for informing me, Komui. I'm… I'm so relieved…"

"Lenalee woke up," Kanda said. He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Allen said. He looked away from Kanda, unable to meet his gaze. "I should get to the hospital now."

That was how he left Kanda that night.

He walked to the front door, cast a backward glance, and left Kanda standing where he was, mostly naked and pain burning bright in his dark eyes.

* * *

"Kanda's birthday is coming," Lenalee says, a wistful smile blooming on her face. "I miss him so much.

 _As do I,_ Allen thinks. He doesn't say that aloud, of course. "Hmmm."

"Don't 'hmmm' at me," Lenalee says. "Kanda was a nice guy. I mean, he's a nice guy. I just wonder where he is now…"

 _As do I,_ Allen thought. _As do I, Lenalee, except you won't ever know it. I can't hurt you too_.

"I want to visit Tiedoll today," Lenalee says. "Can we?"

"Yes," Allen says, his hesitation hiding in the corner of his eyes and in the flaring of his nostrils. "We can. What time do you want to go?"

"As soon as possible. We can go to his favourite haunt after that… maybe he'll turn up!"

That's really the last thing Allen wants, perhaps because deep inside his heart he wants it to happen. But all he says is, "Fine with me, Lenalee."

* * *

"I do wish you'd tell me what's going on," Allen said.

"Nothing is going on," Lavi said. He nod at Allen and took a bite out of his ham sandwich. "Thanks for the treat, by the way, my good man!"

"Lavi… I'm being serious, okay?"

Lavi looked up. His green eye was clear, and his sandwich lay uneaten in his hands.

"Tell me why Kanda's ignoring me."

"He's leaving," Lavi said. He looked away, as if he found Allen's snow-white hair too blinding under the midday sun. "In fact, by this time, he should have left. Boarded the plane to wherever it is he's going."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me, Allen. Kanda's leaving. Left. Whichever."

"Why?" Allen said, aghast. His face turns a shade paler.

"You hurt him, so he left," Lavi said, shrugging. He brought his attention back to the sandwich. "This could do with a bit more mustard…"

"Lavi, look at me! Where did Kanda go to?"

"I have no idea, honest. He didn't think fit to tell me, did he? Just called me last night to say he was up and leaving so could I please return the keys to Tiedoll."

"You didn't think to inform me?" Allen's hands clenched around his plate.

"Nope," Lavi said. "I asked him for explanations until he elaborated a bit to get me off his ass and so I know the story. And don't grab that, you'll break it and then you'll have to pay for it."

"I—"

"You don't have to explain anything to me," Lavi says. "You don't owe me anything, Al, least of all an explanation. But Kanda did say not to tell you anything."

"Bloody hell."

"Indeed," Lavi agreed. "If you're okay and all, why don't we order another round of sandwiches?"

"No."

"Lenalee's coming, so I thought we should get her some edibles."

"Pardon?" Allen said, his eyes wide open. "You didn't tell me that either!"

"I guess I forgot."

"You never forget—"

"Calm down, alright? She's your girlfriend, for heaven's sake, your dalliances notwithstanding. Why do you need to get so uptight?"

"Lavi…"

"I'll get the sandwiches."

* * *

Kanda has never talked to Allen again after that night. He rushed to the hospital after getting Komui's call, and then Kanda thought it better that they never speak again after that.

Bloody jerk.

With a sigh, Allen takes Lenalee's hand and walks down Tiedoll's front drive.

So Kanda is gone. It's not a big deal. Not at all. He still has Lenalee, and she's as close to being an angel as any woman could possibly be.

He just has to pretend a bit more, to flesh his love out. Maybe someday the shadow that Kanda drew over his heart will vanish, and he'll find it easier to truly find some space for his wife, to love her as woman and wife, and not just as a sister. 

They ring the doorbell, and Lenalee leans over to whisper that she finds the scent of the petunias rather intoxicating. Allen leans his head to the left, to whisper back that he agrees, although the scents of jasmine and green tea linger long in his memory.

**Author's Note:**

> First posted on FFN in September 2011, and now lightly edited for consistency and grammar.
> 
> Also, happy new year!


End file.
